Memories, Visions, & Everything In Between

Three weeks later, I almost forgot that Facebook and twitter exist, haha.

I’m gonna be re-activating my twitter next Sunday because I don’t want it to automatically be deleted. If you de-activate your twitter account, twitter will delete it after 30 days. It’s a little early, but I probably won’t tweet anyway until Lent is over. Facebook will continue to remain de-activated until Easter… and that’s probably for the better.

In the meantime, I had an amazing weekend working overtime during the day Saturday, then going into the city for St. Patty’s Day with some awesome people, and meeting some more great people. I also got to catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time today, which was nice. On top of that, I’m once again going for a supervisor position that I applied for on Friday. :)

Everything is starting to fall back into place, and everything is starting to get back to normal… I’m only hoping it gets better from here. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been able to experience these past few weeks and get through with my head held high… While there were times I felt lost, I simply took a step back, took it in, and re-focused on the important things, and that alone is probably the biggest lesson I have learned so far this year.

My next goal is to get back into writing music… and writing better, more positive, upbeat music… no more emo/depressing stuff haha…

This social networking blackout is starting to drive me insane haha… but it’s okay. I will make it through, and I’ll have to activate my twitter in 2 weeks unless I want it deleted lol…

If anyone’s gonna be in NYC next Saturday night for St. Patty’s Day, I’m gonna be out there, so get at me if you want to meet up! :)

Let it be known now…

In an effort to expand our wonderful company, 3-4 more Bethpage branches may be opening sometime this year… if any of them are within driving distance where its a manageable, reasonable trip to/from work, I WILL be going for a supervisor position. :)

It’s been a little over a week now since I decided to blackout Facebook/twitter for Lent. This is my only social media outlet until then…

I must say, it’s VERY different not having either twitter nor Facebook in your life, hahaha. You take a step back to realize that in the end, you don’t call people/text as much as you used to because you post on their walls, tweet to them, Facebook IM them, etc. It’s a real nice break to get away from that for a bit…

However, I did let go of it for other personal reasons too. I need to re-discover myself, and remember the person I grew up as. The person I am supposed to be. The person I want to be. These past few weeks, months, maybe even years, I’ve lost myself. I’ve been so quiet, so bottled up, so afraid to be myself around new people, so afraid to open up to people I care about, so afraid of what people thought of this, that, who I am, etc, that I’ve lost my identity because I’ve been something that I really am not… It isolated me, made me sad, depressed, and made me feel hopeless on so many levels… but no more.

If anything, this social networking blackout has helped, and will continue to help me in gaining back the person I was. That’s my goal with this, and to everyone that has stood there with my decisions, no matter how big or small, for better or worse, I appreciate you guys so much. To those I’ve messaged on Facebook or abruptly told before pulling the plug, I’m sorry for just throwing it out there, but the reason I contacted you guys is because no matter how distant we are, I consider you guys friends, I do care for you guys, and want to keep in touch, and if Facebook and/or Twitter is the only way, I WILL be back. I just need to find myself first, and I’m hoping I get there by Easter…

So, if all works out and I get this time slot for the timeshare my parents have, I’m going to be spending Memorial Day weekend/week in Florida.

Where? Daytona Beach. It’s 1 hr Northeast of Orlando, so going to Disney/Universal is definitely possible for 1-2 days. On top of that, there’s a lot of bars/clubs in Daytona Beach- it’s a major spring break place. The beach is literally in the backyard of this resort- there is absolutely nothing in between the resort pools and the beach:

Look nice? Want to come? I’m gonna be able to take 3-5 people depending on what is available… Get at me if you are seriously interested! I’ll give you more details if all works out…

This extended weekend gave me a lot of time to think about a lot of different things in my life right now. My job, my friends, my family, what the hell I want to do with my vacation in the end of May, and my personal issues that I’ve been trying so hard to overcome lately.

One thing at a time, everything will sort itself out.

I will get a supervisor position sometime this year. I will push myself to get there. I will start looking into material for the GMAT, which I plan to take this fall. I will look into grad schools as well during the summer, and, if necessary, any undergrad classes I have to take before going for an MBA (I’m hoping that I don’t have to take any or if I do, it’s not much…).

I will make more time for my friends and family. I’ve been so caught up in my own problems, working all the time, and basically staying in my own little bubble while I tried to fix things on my own, but in reality, your friends are there to help you through it, and I appreciate the fact that I can just go out and have fun, not even have to tell them anything, and that helps me deal with everything… I saw Erin for the first time in like 6 months last night when we went to get coffee- I need to make time for people and put the past behind me.

As for vacation? I want to go away somewhere- Daytona Beach has been a place I’ve been thinking about- my parents have a timeshare there which I can use if it’s available that week. Daytona Beach is also about an hour from Orlando, so it’s possible to hit up Disney and Universal and more while down there too… Who am I taking with me? That’s something I’m hoping to figure out this week, and then from there see if I really want to commit to this… if not, I still need to get away and do something that week- I need to get the fuck off of Long Island. Better yet, I need to get out of NY for a week.

As for my personal issues… I’ve begun to accept my past mistakes. I wish I can take them back, but I can’t. I wish I can turn back time and prevent myself from doing them, but that’s not possible. Time and time again I’ve said I would do this if it was possible, but it just isn’t. I’ve suffered and caused enough self-inflicted pain; I’ve begun to forgive myself for what I have done. Without going into a crazy religious tangent, I know God is up there and I pray for his forgiveness for my mistakes. I can only hope one day my prayers are answered and I am forgiven for everything wrong I have ever done.

However, even if I am forgiven, I will NEVER forget what has happened. This is a new beginning, with Lent and everything starting up this Wednesday, so will be a sincere attempt to better myself. I will be strong, and my will, personality, and spirit has to return to what it used to be before I became broken with my mistakes, regret, and depression. Deep inside there is the man that used to be happy that wants to get there again and just live life, not hide away from the world looking for answers, but just getting out there and enjoying each and every day.

I hope that at the very least, I get back to normal and get this persona out there, and finally take away all this regret and sadness within me…

Oh yeah, what am I giving up for Lent…? I’m giving up fast food… Basically, that consists of: McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc. and anything that is like that… The only exceptions I’ve made is any kind of sandwich place that has healthy sandwiches, such as Subway, Panera, Blimpie, and possibly Quiznos (I haven’t been there in forever haha). Hopefully, this’ll help me eat better, save money, and get more in shape with going to the gym.

So here we go, here’s to a better me, hopefully… It’s time to let go of the past and move on.

Over the weekend, I got a new toy. Yes, I got an iMac.

I’m still trying to transition from PC to Mac, but so far it isn’t that bad… this is my first entry in weeks because I’ve been SO busy at work it’s been crazy. Luckily, now that we have our full staff back now and nobody is on maternity leave anymore, things are starting to return back to normal…

While work is starting to return to normal… things out of work need to shape back up. I feel I’m fine in the professional world, but my personal world I need to work hard to fix. It’s one week till Valentine’s Day. Normally I love this holiday and I have someone special to spend it with… but this year, I don’t think that’s going to happen. This year, I’m probably going to be alone… and part of me feels I deserve it. I haven’t been truly happy in months… all because of my brooding over past mistakes, past failures, and inability to move forward…

I’m hoping this holiday will be a painful reminder of what it is to love, and how to love by showing me the cold, harsh reality I’ve put myself into and am living each and everyday without you… and then maybe that shock will fix me.

This morning, a great woman has been taken away from the lives of my family, her friends, and her grandsons- me being one of them.

For those of you that don’t know, “Lola” is what we refer our grandmas or grandmothers to in Filipino culture. “Lolo” would be our grandpa or grandfather. I will probably be interchanging the two throughout this post, so just remember Lola = Grandma.

I was very fortunate and blessed to have spent a good majority of my life with my grandma on my mother’s side living at home with us. She first came to the US from the Philippines while my two older brothers were still in high school (there is about a 16 and 18 year gap between my two older brothers and myself). She was only supposed to come and visit, but lo and behold, she ended up staying here in NY with them. A few years later, I came into the picture.

Ever since I was young, when both my parents were working, my lola took care of me, and basically taught me a lot of things while I was home and still very young. She was there to help teach me to be nice, how to share, how to be kind and respectful. When I was in pre-school, she was the one who walked me there every single day, rain, snow, or shine. Pre-school back then was only about 3 blocks away from my house, so it wasn’t that far, but I did enjoy going back and forth with her.

My grandma never drove- I never really understood why she didn’t, be it something with her residency in the US, or if she was ineligible because of some sort of disability I did not know of, or if it’s just the sheer fact that she couldn’t or we couldn’t afford to purchase and maintain a car for her. While she was here, she didn’t really work- she was 63 when I was born. She just passed away at 87 years old.

Because she never drove, if I was home and didn’t have preschool, I would have to go with her to run errands. This may have included walking to the supermarket, going to the post office, or other small things that would take someone that could drive minutes… but it took us hours because we walked all over town. Maybe that’s why I was good in track from all the strength my legs built up since I was young, haha…

When I was young, I didn’t know any better. For me, that was a way of life, and I was okay with it. My lola grew up in a small village in the Philippines (I forget the name at the moment, I may edit it in later), so back there, that was how they did everything- they had no cars.

As I grew older, and I was going to elementary and middle school, my grandma was still there and took care of me when I got home from school, or any kind of sports practice, or clubs, meetings, whatever. If I wanted some kind of after school snack, she’d prepare it for me or get it for me. If I decided that I wanted to go out with my friends, she’d make me finish one of my homework assignments first before letting me go, so I wouldn’t have a lot to do after dinner. If I was watching something pointless on TV, she would change the channel to something useful or just turn off the TV altogether. She really did care for me and wanted me to succeed and be a smart, independent, responsible man.

I have her to thank for a lot of the person I am today. I have her to appreciate for everything she did for me growing up. While at times, when I got older, into high school and even college, I didn’t need her as much, she was still there for me, and I was there for her when she needed me to drive her somewhere, get her something, or let my parents know she needs something if it’s beyond my ability. She was happy to see me succeed and do great things with my life.

When I went to Binghamton about 4 years ago now (wow, so long ago) in August 2008, there were plans for her to move back to the Philippines to be with the rest of my family and her family. It did start some sort of family feud because my grandma’s two sons thought my mom and my dad were trying to kick her out. However, that was not the cause, and honestly, this whole feud isn’t worth getting into here… regardless, she eventually, slowly ended up getting all of her belongings that she got from when she first came to the US back to the Philippines, and was staying with my uncles in NJ for a bit. After a while, she finally went back to the Philippines herself.

I did miss her initially, but every now and then she would call and catch up with my parents, and also catch up with me… and those calls are definitely not cheap, haha. I appreciated any time I got to spend talking to her, and just trying to catch her up on my life and how I’m growing up and trying to make a name for myself. She was very old and old-fashioned, so using Skype or anything computer-related wouldn’t have worked, haha. She always told me she was proud of me and happy of how I was doing, and told me to always do my best…

She passed away this morning, falling down about two days ago, as elderly people fall down. She has fallen multiple times before while she was still here in the US, but we have been able to take good care of her here. Unfortunately, back in the Philippines, she ended up taking a bad fall, and bruised her face badly two days ago when she fell. She ended up having to go into the hospital. Since then, she had trouble talking, as she called my parents last night. Unfortunately, I was already asleep when they called because I had work this morning (there is a 12 hour difference between us here in NY and the Philippines- ex. 11pm here on a Tuesday is 11am there on Wednesday). That was the last my parents heard of my grandma, and then they just found out this afternoon that she passed away. I found out about an hour after getting home from work, when my parents returned from just sending money over to the Philippines on our behalf for her.

It’s so hard, and I feel so helpless, knowing that she’s gone now, and there is little to nothing I can do. I can’t go to the Philippines, a ticket costs way too much, plus I don’t know how I would get out of work or plan how I could get out of work to make it there. I know I can pray. That’s the best I can do, that’s the best I can offer. Once again, I’m not going to go into a religious tangent, but that’s what I can do, and will have to do, for her. I love you grandma, and I hope you rest in peace up there with the angels, because you were a living one for me growing up, and I hope you will continue to watch over me through the rest of my life.

I’m probably not going to get time to write anything tomorrow, so I think tonight’s the night.

New Year’s Eve is tomorrow night, and I’m glad this year I have plans, and am spending it with two of my best friends- Tom and Laur- who are practically like family to me. We’re going to a really nice catering hall here on LI, where we’re getting a full-course meal, awesome dessert, and the best part, top-shelf open bar… Most of all, I’m helping a girl that hasn’t gotten out in awhile because of her kid and because of a lot of other drama and what not, get out and enjoy a night out with her friends, which I’m glad to do for her- she deserves that, and I’m glad to have her as my friend date tomorrow. :)

With that set… it’s time to look back at this year.

This year has been a major roller coaster ride. It’s the first year I have had no schoolwork at all- it was all real-world work. It’s not the same at all. Things are so much different, and I am NOWHERE near where I pictured myself being when I graduated from Bing back in May of 2010. I thought that I probably would’ve gone to Grad school this year for teaching, starting fall 2011. However, I got a full-time position at my job, and I am pushing myself to move into management there…. If that works out, I can go back to grad school hopefully to get an MBA in a few years after I build some leadership experience. I already interviewed for one open supervisor position a week ago- now that I know the process, I will keep pushing myself and trying to go higher.

Work has been the main focal point of everything this year, because I’ve been trying to get more money to establish myself, since I now have my own apartment, and have become a lot more independent. While it’s nice to have freedom while still being at home (my apartment is the upstairs apartment of our house), I also have a lot more responsibility and things I have to do on my own, which kind of sucks while a lot of my friends still have their parents to fall back on… While I can fall back to them if needed, I tend not to because I’m an independent and very strong-willed person.

Outside of work, I won’t lie, I haven’t kept the best ties with friends. Some of my friends I just outgrew- I guess that’s what happens when you really grow up and realize that sometimes your friends end up becoming the people you work with day-in and day-out. My closest friends and my close college friends will always be there- and I appreciate them and they know I will always be there for them, no matter how long it is between when we see or talk with each other. Regardless, I enjoyed all the times I had with everyone this year- be it going to Fire Island, going all over the place in the city, going to shows, going out east to the Hamptons, movies, ice skating, random Dunkin or Starbucks runs, everything- it was a blast, and I appreciate it so much. To those times I haven’t been able to make it out because of work, or something else holding me back- I hope that we get to hang out soon or do something fun if I haven’t seen you in awhile…

This is also the first year that one of my best friends hasn’t been around- Brian. He’s serving in the US army as a vehicle tech. Luckily, I did get to see him, as he made his way home for the holidays, and we got to hang out and catch up on a lot of things. I’m grateful to hear his story, and hear about the things he’s doing. He was stationed in South Korea, about 20 miles from the DMZ until July/August of this year. He’s now stationed in Texas, but it is very possible that he can be shipped to Afghanistan in the middle of next year… while things there have settled down, I’m hoping he doesn’t end up there, and he somehow ends up going to the Philippines instead… he ended up meeting his wife (yes, wife) in South Korea, and she is pregnant… their baby is due in June, and she’s back in the Philippines now because of the pregnancy. I’m hoping for the best for him, for her, and both families.

I feel this year too, I’ve gotten a lot closer to my family. My niece and nephew are starting to get a little bit older and they’re getting to the point where they’re almost teenagers… scary to say, but I know they’re going to want some kind of rebellious badass uncle there for them ;) hahaha… in all seriousness, it’s awesome to see them grow up and hang out with them, and they’re both really smart and active kids. My parents are what they are- can’t really change them or their ways, they’re old, sorry to say lol… and then my other brother that lives down in Virginia… we don’t get to see each other much or hang out much but when we do it’s pretty nice that we can hang out and just drink a beer and talk about things or watch a hockey/baseball/football game on TV or go see a movie, something cool like that.

I won’t go off on a religious tangent; that’s not my style, but I also feel that my faith has gotten a lot stronger this year. I have made many mistakes this year in every aspect of my life, and through going to church and praying and at least reflecting back on what has happened, it helped me to clear my head and take a step back and realize the importance of the actions every individual makes, be it myself, a co-worker, a friend, my family, or even a random stranger. Everything matters, and nothing should be taken for granted, for within the blink of an eye, you could gain or lose everything.

Last but not least, there’s everything that happened this year with love…

A lot of this year revolved around the same person. I made my mistakes- I made a lot of them. However, somehow you managed to somehow come back to me, or somehow, I found my way back to you. The feelings I have for you are feelings I never, and I seriously mean NEVER had for anyone else. They’re so strong- they’re so real, and I don’t think I can find anyone else that I can have these kind of feelings for. If I ever do, it would take a damn long time before it gets to this level… I know that at one point you had really strong feelings for me too, but I don’t know how much damage I have done, nor to what extent is this fixable. However, because I made my mistakes, out of love, I have let go.

I had my highest and lowest points of this year with you because I loved you, and when we had our biggest and best moments, they felt amazing. When we had our worst… I wanted to die. But it’s all a learning experience, and I know better now, and I know that if we somehow work this out in time, I swear it will never get that bad again. I did too much damage to let it get to that point, and it can’t ever get to that point again. When you have hit the bottom, the only way to go is up, and that’s where I intend to go with our relationship, one step at a time, first as friends, and then we’ll see where it goes from there, if we have the whole “right place, right time” kind of thing happen…

In the midst of all of this, there was a rebound, a summer fling. That girl was amazing, and she was extremely nice to me, but she also wasn’t the same person when it came down to the root of things. We ended things on a bad note, but then, months after reconciling the past, I see now that she was probably just using me to feed out information and cause drama. Sorry, no, I’m more mature and don’t play those games anymore. And thus, I dropped it. When you can finally let go of past grudges, then talk to me. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive, then forget it.

So, that’s probably everything I can stay about 2011 in a nutshell, without going into anything too specific. I’m hoping things are better in 2012, and instead of it being like a huge roller coaster-like ride, it’s like me cruising down the highway in an amazing sports car with the top down on a warm summer day, with my friends, family, and possibly love riding alongside with me. Only time will tell…

I dug this up from my New Year’s Eve post from last year… Figured I’d put it here and see how things ended up:

For 2011, I want to re-connect with those I lost touch with. This means you, you, you, you, and you. High school friends. College friends. Friends from old bands. Friends I grew up with. Everyone. If you want to reconnect with me, then get back at me someway, somehow- I’m pretty open, and if you get to me, I’ll roll with you. Okay, so I did an okay job re-connecting with people I lost touch with. I re-connected with some of my best friends from high school, but it didn’t stay consistent. We all have different schedules, so it’s hard, but we have made time for each other, which is nice. Seeing Brian too was big because he hasn’t been around in over 1 1/2 years (He was deployed end of March 2010).

For 2011, I want to right my mistakes finally and confront this guy. I know I fucked up, and I wanted to so bad for the longest time to confront him and just eat whatever he wants to get out, and then apologize and try to resolve things. Will that ever happen? I don’t know. I feel like he won’t give me the time of day- which is probably what I deserve. Hahaha… This? I wish we could have resolved things, but honestly, I know you’re off to bigger and better things, and I know you want nothing to do with a lot of people in your past. If that is the case, I wish you well, and hope you succeed in life.

For 2011, I will take better care of myself. I’m not going to let stupid shit bog me down. I’m not going to let drama ruin my life. I’m not going to let emotions get the best of me. I’m not going to fall victim again being used or taken advantage of. I’m not going to allow my feelings for anyone take over unless there is something mutually there between both of us. Never again. Being used or taken advantage of- check. I didn’t fall victim to either this year, or at least I don’t feel I have. Stupid shit and drama ruining my life? Well, that’s my own fault. I have to work at it so only the important things in life bother me, and not the small petty mistakes that other people or I make. As for feelings for anyone take over… there’s a big grey area there; anyone that knows me very well would understand.

For 2011, I’m going to save my money a lot more. I’m going to give in my two weeks at 0374 tomorrow- seriously, who the FUCK is going to shop there at 11 at night on fucking New Years Day? Give me a fucking break. I did a damn good job saving my money, until I got a credit card and maxed it out and until the holiday season came around. Then it all went down the drain, haha… Next year when I get my yearly bonus though, and starting next week with my first paycheck of 2012, I will try harder to save.

For 2011, I’m going to try and go to the gym 2-3 times a week. Not to become the next roid-rage meathead- but to stay in shape and exercise regularly. I’m going to watch what I eat, and cut down on the fast food. This I can proudly say I have done a good job with. I have been going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. There are a few months that I went 4-5 times a week, and that was awesome because it made me in great shape, and I feel great and I look pretty good too, without being cocky or arrogant of course. ;) I’ve been eating okay too, and been cooking a lot of food on my own.

For 2011, I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not- I am who I am. I’m done playing games. Take me as I am or leave it. I’ve got nothing to hide. You want to know something about me? Just ask.I feel this year I have found my identity and who I am. For so long I’ve been trying hard to fit into so many different cliques, groups, crews, social circles, whatever you want to call it. I know now who I am and who I want to be, and while I can fit in so many groups, I am who I am.

For 2011, if I find the right girl, and she is worth the chase, I will chase her with everything I’ve got, and as long as she gives me the time, appreciates me, and there is a clear indication that there is something there, I will put out my heart for her. This… this is something that’s in that grey area I spoke of before. I don’t know where I am with this, nor will I share about it…

For 2012, I hope to maintain what I have been doing these last few weeks with work, the gym, and with my friends and family. I know it’s such a small resolution in words, but it’s also a big one looking at how much that resolution includes. I feel I’ve been doing a great job lately, and I want to continue to do the best I can for myself, and all of them.

So, Here’s to Another Better Year… Happy New Year’s Everyone! If the world ends this year… at least we’re all going down together, haha.

A lot has happened this year. I have so many things to write about, to think about, reflect about, be thankful and grateful about (And a lot of that will probably come in another post in the near future)…

A lot of this year has been such a roller coaster because of self-inflicted pain and suffering, but it made me realize the person that I was, and the person I want to be, and with that awareness I have changed a lot of how I conduct myself.

I feel that things are starting to get better… they will never be the same again, but they are getting better… And I promise you with everything I have that I will write the most amazing song for you one day, if somehow this all works out…

One day…